The Nerves are Back

One week from now I'll have had my anomaly scan. I'll know whether everything is alright and (hopefully) whether this is a little bundle of blue or pink. The nerves only truly hit me this morning. I had a dream about it last night and all my fears started coming out. I think I have been doing much better at keeping my fears in check recently and trying to just enjoy the rest of my pregnancy but I am starting to get nervous again now.

Lately I have been thinking about the regret I have from the start of my pregnancy. My regret is that I broke a promise I made to myself just before I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive). My BFP came at a strange time for me because I had just decided that I couldn't handle another miscarriage and to call a halt to TTC. At the same time I made a promise to myself that if I did ever get another BFP that I would enjoy every moment and throw myself into making the most of every day that I had with my baby, however long or short that time would be.

I broke my promise to myself very quickly. I went into hiding almost. I was too scared to talk about my pregnancy on JM because I was aware that the more boards I joined, the more I would have to leave. I had thrown myself into enjoying my pregnancy with Daisy and having to retrace my steps and say goodbye was one of the hardest parts after losing her. I didn't take any belly pics for weeks because I didn't want another set that ended abruptly. I was too scared to let my work colleagues guess what was going on because I didn't want to have to send around another round of emails if things went wrong again.

I introduced myself to my Due Date Club and then felt too nervous to join in the conversation. I rejoined other pregnancy boards and then felt too worried to post again. I felt in a way that I was worried about jinxing things if I spoke about it too much. I kept making new promises to myself - that after the next scan I would start to relax, and then the next scan and so on. I wished away the first three months of my pregnancy. In all honesty it wasn't until I felt the first hard, definite kicks around a month ago that I actually relaxed and started to enjoy things.

Now I look back at the wasted months at the start when I could have been making the most of things and letting myself bond with my baby instead of worrying about losing another pregnancy. I have started to really make the most of this pregnancy now - I am enjoying everything from picking out new bedding to thinking about a coming home outfit for the baby. I even feel like I look pretty cute during this pregnancy - certainly better than I did with my girls (isn't that supposed to be a sign I'm having a boy?)

But I could have been enjoying all these things so much sooner if I had kept my promise. I am normally the kind of person that tries to enjoy every day because you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. I wish that I could go back and relive the first few weeks all over again.

I catch myself thinking 'Next time...' more and more often now. I feel strange letting myself think about a possible #4 when I had stopped TTC #3. We're a long way away from reaching that stage but already I am questioning whether I could cope with the possibility of things being difficult again. I keep coming back to an image of us as a family with four children though. It's something I can't shake.

For now, I just want to get past next Monday and feel safe and secure with this pregnancy again. Right now Monday feels like a lifetime away. I'm going to be counting down the days until then - while not trying to wish any more of my pregnancy away.