D-MER

I have been getting so excited lately about all the things I can look forward to about our expanding family. I've finally started to really relax and enjoy my pregnancy, think about the future and start collecting together everything I'll need when he or she arrives.

Then, out of the blue, yesterday I was struck by one fear. I had been excited by the thought of breastfeeding again - if that's what the baby wants to do. My eldest never took to breastfeeding - or being a baby in any way. She wanted to grow up, have her own room, be a big girl and certainly not spend half the day attached to my breast. My youngest on the other hand took to it right away and still occasionally nurses when she is upset or unwell.

I loved breastfeeding her, but there was one part of it that I put out of my mind until yesterday. When she was a couple of weeks old - I'm not sure how many exactly - I started to get terrible feelings every time she latched onto my breast. I couldn't explain it, or even describe it. It was something like awful, terrible shame mixed with a feeling of dread like something terrible was going to happen. As time went by the feeling worsened and became a terrible sense of despair. I didn't know what was happening or why I was feeling this way.

I was afraid to talk about it in case people accused me of having some kind of psychological issue with breastfeeding. I was scared that they would think I was going crazy or that I had post-partum depression. I knew none of those things were true. The feelings would only last for around a minute and then disappear, and only happened when she first latched on or swapped breasts.

After this had been going on for a few weeks I felt so upset that I just ended up Googling 'Bad feelings while breastfeeding'. I was surprised when I discovered quickly that I was not alone.

D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) is a condition which is thought to be linked to dropping Dopamine levels at let down. There is very little medical knowledge or research into it right now but it is real. Its severity differs between women and even between each time they have breastfed. Some women barely notice it while others are chronically affected.

The first website I discovered was D-MER.org, which was an absolute godsend to me in the months I suffered from this. As soon as I read the first page, describing what D-MER is and is not, I burst into tears. It was the first time that I had a reason for the way I was feeling and a validation that it was not a psychological issue or any kind of PPD. I read and read everything that I could that night, trying to take it in.

I found it extremely hard to talk about. I was afraid still of what others would say. I had been on JM a while but was still too nervous to ask if anyone else had suffered from it for a long time. I couldn't even find the words to explain it to my DH, who I can usually talk to about anything. Eventually I sat down and wrote him an email, explaining what I was going through and with a link to some of the information I had read. It was easier than trying to explain it verbally when I knew I would probably cry or not be able to explain it properly.

When he read the email he hugged me tightly and told me I could tell him any time the bad feeling was there, and he would do anything he could to help. I felt relieved that I'd finally told someone, but I also knew it was something I had to pretty much get through on my own.

I carried on. Natasha loved breastfeeding. When she was around 7 months old I noticed the bad feelings didn't strike as often or as hard. Soon after that they disappeared completely.

I am so glad I didn't let it stop me from breastfeeding because I have loved nursing my youngest, and I hope that I will be able to breastfeed again this time around. But I can't help worrying that those awful feelings will return and the D-MER will come back.

At least this time I am aware that it can happen. There is extremely little information about it and I am not even sure it is widely recognised by the medical profession. Certainly no midwife or LC I have ever met has mentioned this.

If I had been aware that this can happen then I would have been prepared and I wouldn't have been so scared when it did. I hope that one day more is known about this and no one will have to suffer in silence.