DTTC

This might sound like a strange thing for someone who is 17 and a half weeks pregnant to say but recently something that has been on my mind a lot is TTC.

We have had our children fairly lose together and we started TTC more or less as soon as my fertility returned each time. I think a lot of people have shaken their head and tutted at this, but we have good reasons and it's our decision, not theirs. My endo has put me on borrowed time and with a history of recurrent miscarriage it takes us a while to get a sticky one.

I love our girls being so close in age. They're growing up together and they are extremely close. There are as many pros and cons to choosing to have your children close together as there are to waiting a few years and there are no right or wrong answers; it has to depend on the family, the situation and a decision between two people - not their extended family and friends.

I didn't realise I wanted a big family for many years. I grew up as an only child; my mother was also an only child. For some reason I thought that meant I should only have one child too. I was diagnosed with Endo when I was 20 and initially the specialist told me I would need to look into fertility treatment whan I wanted to have children. This is one of many reasons that I thank my lucky stars every day for the blessings in my life.

In 2002 I spent Christmas with my now-inlaws for the first time. My DH and I had been together for two and a half years and I loved spending time with his family. My husband is one of three brothers and seeing Christmas with a bigger family for the first time was a revelation to me. I adored it. It was the best Christmas of my life and a far cry from my childhood christmases, when I'd be given board games and have no one to play them with. I had no idea at the time how lonely I actually was. It's only retrospectively that I can see what I missed out on by being an only child.

When I had my first daughter I was so overwhelmed by my love for her, I couldn't imagine not adding to our family. I wanted her to have a playmate to share her life with. Seeing her with her sister fills my heart with joy daily. Oh, don't get me wrong, they fall out sometimes and they might annoy each other if they sit in the other's lunch or do something equally naughty (but hilarious) but they look out for each other. They hug and kiss, they play together and they get so excited when they see each other in the morning. We felt more and more pulled toward the idea of having a big family and decided to TTC again. Getting to the stage we are at was very long, difficult and heart-breaking journey.

So now I am wondering if I can go through it again in the future. The losses we had along the way caused us both so much pain. I know I am getting older and my Endo is progressing. If we decide to have another then it's a sooner-rather-than-later situation so I am glad we are thinking things over now but it's still a scary thing to consider.

My DH has told me he would like to NTNP. We said that this time too and it lasted for approximately one month before we started TTC properly. I don't think we'll know until the baby arrives whether our family will feel complete but I think we're both feeling 4 is the golden number.

I do wish we had the luxury of time and health, but at least we can get our thoughts together now so that when the time comes we can be as close to being on the same page as possible. There is so much to think about, but we have a fair bit of time to decide. Whatever happens, right now I am just so grateful for the little feet that poke me every so often and I can't wait to get my early Christmas present.