Two very emotional days

The last two weeks have been kind of a blur. In fact, everything since I got my BFP has been a blur. I think I've been living in a kind of bubble. I've been so scared of things going wrong again that I've been shutting myself away from the things and people I would usually be spending my time focusing on. I haven't even felt able to spend a lot of time on JM where I would normally hang out regularly. I've been scared of being around pregnancy and baby talk in case I jinxed things.

My worries came to a head on Thursday. I spent the morning wandering around like a lost little lamb at work. I couldn't settle anywhere. I ended up sitting in the chapel, by myself, for some time. I used to often spend a few moments gathering my thoughts in there but it's been a while. Several times I passed by the chaplains' office in the hope one of them might be in for me to talk to but the room was empty.

The school where I work is a very special place. I can't really describe it. All kinds of special moments seem to happen and every now and then it's as though the place works its magic and grants you something you've wished for. Which was why, as I sat in the geography office, I wasn't entirely surprised when the chaplain I really wanted to speak to poked her head around the door to see if I was OK. Sometimes in that place people just turn up where you really need them to be.

I asked her if I could talk to her and we walked down to the chapel together. I didn't even really know where to begin. I told her that I was just over six weeks pregnant and that my history of carrying pregnancy to term was poor. It was the first time I'd told someone at work how many miscarriages I've been through. I explained that I had a scan the next day and I was feeling absolutely terrified. I don't think she will ever realise how much she helped, just by listening and letting me talk. She assured me she would be praying for me and keeping me in her thoughts.

The rest of Thursday is like a blur. I remember doing a lot of music work and somehow wandering home, then keeping myself busy with the girls all afternoon. I couldn't bear to do most of the things I usually do. I couldn't bring myself to post on JM even. I couldn't be reminded of babies, pregnancy or losses. I couldn't think or focus on anything.

My husband tried to keep me distracted with a movie that evening but I didn't sleep very well that night. I wasn't really expecting to though. I tried to stay sane through Friday morning, taking the girls shopping as usual and negotiating my way through an unexpected charity gathering in the town where three shop assistants were peddling non-stop on exercise bikes, trying to keep a lightbulb glowing, and a large, booming gentleman belted out 'Bachelor Boy' while dressed in an unnecessary tuxedo. That was before we even got to the comedy town crier announcing the opening of a new shop, some twenty minutes away.

I felt like I was in the middle of a surreal dream as I got home, fed the girls and my husband, and started to get ready. I kept looking at the clock and thinking, "In an hour and a half, I'll know... In an hour and fifteen minutes, I'll know...."

I took a taxi to the hospital. The bus route is easier for getting home than getting there and I didn't want to risk being late and missing my appointment. There are two routes to hospital - the smooth route and the bumpy route, and guess which one the taxi driver favoured?

I spent the whole twenty-five minute journey trying not to throw up. I don't usually get travel sick but with my nerves and the constant supply of potholes beneath the wheels I was in risk of causing an environmental disaster over the back of the taxi. Finally the hospital gates loomed into view and the driver dropped me off.

I wandered into the hospital and couldn't chase out of my mind the bad events that had happened the last time I'd been there. I felt certain this trip would bring more bad news. I couldn't imagine how anything good could come from the day.

I tried to find the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) but somehow couldn't seem to navigate my way this time. In the end, I asked a kindly nurse and she showed me the way.

"The EPU is closed today," she said, "So they are doing the appointments here instead."

I peered at the area she'd led me to. Tucked away, totally out of view behind a large board, were three chairs and a hand written sign saying 'Early pregnancy Unit'.

"Oh..." I said in surprise. I felt like I should add something more coherent onto the end of that 'oh' but I couldn't really think of anything to say so I just said, 'Oh' again.

"You'll be called as soon as they're ready," the nurse smiled, and left.

Sitting in this makeshift alley/waiting room I was tucked completely out of view. I started to wonder if I was even in the right place. What if they forgot about me? What if they couldn't see I was there?! I sat forward in my chair and let my leg jut out as far as it would go in an attempt to help me be seen my passers-by.

A couple of women walked by outside having a conversation about using a sieve to drain some tomatoes, realising they didn't have a sieve and swearing profusely. I frowned. I couldn't imaging how not having a sieve could cause anyone such a trauma. I was focusing on the wrong things and I knew it.

Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, someone spotted me there and wandered away and back again several times before finally asking me when my appointment was. i told her, and the time had already come and gone, so she took me away for my scan right away and led me right into the room where I found out I had lost Daisy. My heart just sank. I didn't want to be back there again. Of all the rooms, it had to be that one.

I am very phobic of hospitals and doctors so I got very panicky and started asking a lot of dumb questions about whether I was supposed to take my boots off or not, whether I could get a picture and whether I could leave my belly button piercing in, even though I'd already taken it out.

I genuinely expected to see nothing as she placed the wand on my stomach. A picture appeared on the screen and I saw the shape of my womb and a sac, with something tiny inside it. I have seen a baby that tiny before, but never with a heartbeat.

She zoomed in on the tiny bean and I could see something flickering. My heart leaped into my mouth as I heard her say 'steady heartbeat'. I can't remember much of what I or she did or said after that, but I didn't really need to. My baby had a heartbeat - a HEARTBEAT!!!! I hadn't expected to see one for a second. Not for one moment had I let myself think about seeing a heartbeat.

I was shaking as she looked around to check everything else was OK, and then came the surprise as she said the corpus Lutem was on my right ovary - I conceived from my dodgy side! With my previous pregnancies my O pain had always been notably on my left-hand side so I knew that side was working well. On my last cycle, the pain was just all over (I was doubled up most of the day) and I had no idea where I Oed from. I've never had any tests done on my dodgy side to see if the cyst that grew around it and twisted it had left a blockage but I guess something at least got through! That was amazing to know!

I was still shaking and trying hard to fight happy tears as I saw the consultant. She booked me in for another scan in 2 weeks, on 7th May, to check how things are going. I am still terrified but the first hurdle has been cleared and I am walking on air every time I think about that little heartbeat.

I left the hospital floating on a cloud. After buying an inexplicably cold ham sandwich in the snack shop (I'd been brainwashed by the positive advertising about their cuisine after not having anything to eat from being too nervous) I started to head out of the hospital grounds to catch my bus home.

As I reached the gates, a car was just turning in.

The numberplate said; M7STY

I literally did a double take. It felt like my heart jumped. I couldn't believe it. I was totally dumbstruck. It seemed like the biggest omen anyone could see. I cursed myself for not having my camera with me and stared at the car as it drove out of view, around the back of the hospital.

Since Friday I've started to get back into the swing of things. I am still a little all over the place and I think I will be until I hit 12 weeks. But now I have seen a little heartbeat flickering, I know my baby is doing its best to stick and grow. May 7th is my next hurdle. Until then, all I can do is keep praying.