Nothing Exists Beyond Friday Lunchtime

I am not very good with waiting. I am also a worrier. That combination doesn't go well together. I can wait patiently for many things in honesty; I can wait for Christmas or a special birthday, I can wait for the next concert at work or for payday to get something I've had my eye on a while. But there are certain things where the wait drives me pretty crazy.

I am not doing well waiting for my scan next week. With every day that passes I'm feeling more wound up and increasingly worried. Now I am remembering why I have refused early scans in the past, despite my history. Of course, it fits that the time I want one the GP did everything she could to stop me getting one.

I've been trying not to talk about this too much, but then when I bottle up it it comes out in angsyt bursts, and usually to the wrong person or at the wrong time, or over something completely different. So I am going to try to get this all out here and then maybe I will be able to get to Friday without it exploding again.

I don't feel pregnant. I look at my cheapies every night and see the line nice and dark, and then I think, if I'm getting such dark lines why don't I feel pregnant? I had a craving for tomatoes for about a day and I've maybe woken up to pee in the night once, but that's about all.

I have heard all the cliches, I've even tried telling them to myself. I know every pregnancy is different but I also know that with my girls the pregnancy was stronger from the word go. Both times before I even got my BFP I knew I was pregnant and instantly I was bombarded with symptoms. Most women get the first trimester exhaustion but because I already suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I was hit hard. There would be times I'd call in sick to work because I couldn't get out of bed. And there was the hunger - my appetite increased by about 200%. I'd be eating so much more than normal because every morsel of food and every speck of energy was going to support the tiny but strong baby that managed to stick.

I've never had that feeling when I've had a loss. Even last year when I carried my baby to 11w6d I never had the strong onset of symptoms. I had some queasiness at first and some exhaustion but I had just gone back to work after the summer holidays so that could have influenced it.

When I look back, the thing I find hardest is that I gave myself the luxury of positivity. Even though I'd had an early loss back in May once I'd seen the tests get darker I believed that everything was going to be OK. Even though I didn't have the exhaustion and huge appetite or any of the things that had set the pregnancies with my girls apart I believed that I was going to be bringing a baby home in May this year. I committed to being positive. I even looked at maternity clothes and baby clothes. I looked at cribs and planned when I would be taking maternity leave. I thought if I kept up my optimism then it would help somehow. I think it was because I kept hopeful that losing Daisy hit me harder than before.

So now I find myself anxious, pessimistic and cold. I can't get attached and I can't relax. I can't think about anything beyond next Friday. It's like anything beyond 1.13PM next Friday doesn't exist. The universe will cease to exist. That's if the cloud of volcanic ash that's already covering the UK doesn't do us all in first.

I can see three possible outcomes for next Friday. The first would be the best case scenario; that I will go in and they'll scan me and a little flickering heartbeat will make my spirits soar. The second will be that there's no baby; an empty sac, no heartbeat and no hope. The third scares me more than the second - it's the thought of inconclusive news. Maybe there will be a baby but no heartbeat. Maybe the baby will be measuring too small, even though I know my dates. Maybe there'll be an emergency and they will turn me away. The thought of not having a definite answer scares me more than anything.

I know that worrying about it won't change anything and that it's not good for the baby, but if you are a worrier you can't change that just because others tell you that you should. It's not like I don't already know that stressing isn't good for me or the pregnancy but until someone invents a time machine to bypass the next 6 days there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't want to be negative. I want to spend this pregnancy enjoying every second, taking belly pics and joining in on my DDC, sharing the news with friends and planning to bringing a baby home in time for Christmas. But until next Friday I'm going to remain under the radar and quietly panicking.