Daisy

One year ago today I saw two very beautiful pink lines. I'd thought my period had started the day before but when the bleeding became watery and started to fade I was confused. I didn't expect that this was implantation bleeding. This wasn't the light brown/pink spotting I'd heard of, this was proper, heavy red bleeding. When I took an internet cheapie test that night I was only really doing it because I am an HPT addict, I didn't expect to see a faint line. But I've seen plenty of evaps on those tests so I dipped a second and the same thing happened. Finally I broke open the First Response tests I'd bought that day to 'cheer me up' and look forward to the next cycle, feeling that I would for sure be wasting one. The resulting beautiful pink line made my heart soar.

I only had 11 weeks and 6 days with Daisy. I was one day short of the fabled 12 week milestone when I lost her. I had never before, nor since, bonded so quickly during pregnancy. Not with my girls, or this time, or any other loss. I don't know why. I remember going to bed the night I got my positive test, just laying there with a huge grin across my face, bonding with her instantly.

You know the feeling when something terrible has happened and you awake in the morning with a blissful moment of ignorance before you remember? Well, for the first and last time I experienced the opposite of that. I woke up with no memory of my positive test the night before for a moment or two, then I recalled what had happened and the grin spread across my face again. The grin didn't leave my face for weeks.

On some level, I think I knew that she wasn't going to make it. A few weeks later I started spotting which came on and off for a few weeks. I knew that things were not good. I did not call my doctor or the hospital. I did not want to have a scan.,find out she had passed and then wait for days or weeks to miscarry. I had been through that before. I wanted to have every moment that I could with her, still maintaining that hope that she would make it.

On November 5th, the bleeding suddenly increased. I knew then that my time with her was coming to an end. The next morning I woke up in blissful ignorance for a few moments, then felt the pad I'd had to wear the night before and my world came crashing down. As I called the hospital and arranged a scan for that day I already knew what the answer was going to be. I knew I was not going to be getting any good news that day.

Today, I am fighting tears. I'm going to be doing the same for the first couple of weeks of November.