I've had an enforced break from blogging, and from the internet in general. I have been living in Migraine Land. Let me tell you, it's not the nicest place to take a vacation. It started when I was around 10 weeks pregnant, give or take. I started getting frequent headaches but thought that the worry of approaching 12 weeks and having several loss anniversaries clustered together was making them worse. When I reached 12 weeks and my scan went perfectly I thought the stress would lift, but my headaches became worse.
Hitting the second trimester brought almost daily migraines. I had headaches in the 2nd trimester with both my girls but this is the first time I've made it this far since developing migraines and I was completely unprepared for it. Computers have been triggering them or making them worse and some websites had become impossible to visit.
I have tackled the problem with something so simple I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I'm using a coloured overlay to change the brightness of the screen. I'd found sites with a dim, blue/grey tone were much easier to visit than sites with a white background and a stronger contrast of tones. The blue overlay I'm using tones down websites and other pages so I am able to use the internet without the screen triggering migraines, as long as I take a lot of breaks. I have also been prescribed some stronger pain relief, although I am reluctant to take it too often for obvious reasons.
An estimated 16-17% of the world's population will experience a migraine at some point in their life. If you suffer from migraines or headaches then why not check out this JM group for advice, suggestions and support:
http://www.justmommies.com/forums/groups/108-migraines-and-headaches.html
It's good to be back!
Friday, 9 July 2010
Monday, 10 May 2010
A Little Wave
I've taken a short hiatus from blogging for the last couple of weeks. After my initial first amazing scan I started getting some spotting and feared the worst. I just went into myself and tried to hide from the world. I was terrified as I went for my follow-up scan last week and I wasn't expecting the beautiful sight of my little bean beginning to grow arms and legs, and looking for all the world like he (because I am certain it's a boy!) was waving to me. I went through a lot of tissues that day, but for a happy reason.
I am finally starting to feel like I am going to be holding a baby in my arms by Christmas. It's taken a long time to start believing it. I am still a total bag of nerves, worrying about every tiny thing, but I've started looking to a happy future instead of worrying about coping with another miscarriage. I'm still trying to take things a day at a time.
I guess it's a good sign, but I have developed morning sickness for the first time ever. I never usually get morning sickness in pregnancy. Maybe I'll have 2 or 3 days of feeling slightly queasy but that is about all. It was typical that my first ever, proper bout of morning sickness fell on the day I had a half hour taxi ride to hospital, followed by an hour and a half bus ride home.
I quite like the long journey to hospital. I don't get car sick, I never get travel sick - but then again, I don't usually get morning sickness either. All morning before my appointment I was feeling more and more queasy. Taking my girls for their morning walk to the shops, I spent a lot of time taking deep breaths and trying not to cause an environmental disaster across the pavement.
By the time I was due to catch my taxi I must have looked positively green. To make matters worse, the taxi driver was one I know well from my journeys to work in the morning. I know many of the drivers by now and if I ask to go anywhere but the school when I get in the car then they get a little confused and look at me like I've asked to go to Mars.
I spent 20 minutes avoiding answering his probing questions about why I was going to hospital - after all, it was no one's business but mine - but eventually I knew I was close to barf-point. If he'd taken the right turning I could probably have made it but when he told me he was lost I had to beg him to stop the car.
I've been trying to keep things under wraps until 12 weeks but eventually I had to tell him the truth. I told him I was pregnant, it was early and I didn't have a good track record for making it past the first trimester. Luckily he was very understanding, took the rest of the journey slow and stopped whenever I needed him to. I gave him an extra tip and told him it was 'hush money', to keep it quiet, which made him laugh.
I just about avoided any projectile incidents that day, but without a doubt I have proper, full-on morning sickness this time around. As much as I hate, hate, HATE feeling and being sick I am relieved to have something concrete to remind myself that there's a little waving baby growing steadily and looking forward to joining the world sometime in December.
I am finally starting to feel like I am going to be holding a baby in my arms by Christmas. It's taken a long time to start believing it. I am still a total bag of nerves, worrying about every tiny thing, but I've started looking to a happy future instead of worrying about coping with another miscarriage. I'm still trying to take things a day at a time.
I guess it's a good sign, but I have developed morning sickness for the first time ever. I never usually get morning sickness in pregnancy. Maybe I'll have 2 or 3 days of feeling slightly queasy but that is about all. It was typical that my first ever, proper bout of morning sickness fell on the day I had a half hour taxi ride to hospital, followed by an hour and a half bus ride home.
I quite like the long journey to hospital. I don't get car sick, I never get travel sick - but then again, I don't usually get morning sickness either. All morning before my appointment I was feeling more and more queasy. Taking my girls for their morning walk to the shops, I spent a lot of time taking deep breaths and trying not to cause an environmental disaster across the pavement.
By the time I was due to catch my taxi I must have looked positively green. To make matters worse, the taxi driver was one I know well from my journeys to work in the morning. I know many of the drivers by now and if I ask to go anywhere but the school when I get in the car then they get a little confused and look at me like I've asked to go to Mars.
I spent 20 minutes avoiding answering his probing questions about why I was going to hospital - after all, it was no one's business but mine - but eventually I knew I was close to barf-point. If he'd taken the right turning I could probably have made it but when he told me he was lost I had to beg him to stop the car.
I've been trying to keep things under wraps until 12 weeks but eventually I had to tell him the truth. I told him I was pregnant, it was early and I didn't have a good track record for making it past the first trimester. Luckily he was very understanding, took the rest of the journey slow and stopped whenever I needed him to. I gave him an extra tip and told him it was 'hush money', to keep it quiet, which made him laugh.
I just about avoided any projectile incidents that day, but without a doubt I have proper, full-on morning sickness this time around. As much as I hate, hate, HATE feeling and being sick I am relieved to have something concrete to remind myself that there's a little waving baby growing steadily and looking forward to joining the world sometime in December.
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Two very emotional days
The last two weeks have been kind of a blur. In fact, everything since I got my BFP has been a blur. I think I've been living in a kind of bubble. I've been so scared of things going wrong again that I've been shutting myself away from the things and people I would usually be spending my time focusing on. I haven't even felt able to spend a lot of time on JM where I would normally hang out regularly. I've been scared of being around pregnancy and baby talk in case I jinxed things.
My worries came to a head on Thursday. I spent the morning wandering around like a lost little lamb at work. I couldn't settle anywhere. I ended up sitting in the chapel, by myself, for some time. I used to often spend a few moments gathering my thoughts in there but it's been a while. Several times I passed by the chaplains' office in the hope one of them might be in for me to talk to but the room was empty.
The school where I work is a very special place. I can't really describe it. All kinds of special moments seem to happen and every now and then it's as though the place works its magic and grants you something you've wished for. Which was why, as I sat in the geography office, I wasn't entirely surprised when the chaplain I really wanted to speak to poked her head around the door to see if I was OK. Sometimes in that place people just turn up where you really need them to be.
I asked her if I could talk to her and we walked down to the chapel together. I didn't even really know where to begin. I told her that I was just over six weeks pregnant and that my history of carrying pregnancy to term was poor. It was the first time I'd told someone at work how many miscarriages I've been through. I explained that I had a scan the next day and I was feeling absolutely terrified. I don't think she will ever realise how much she helped, just by listening and letting me talk. She assured me she would be praying for me and keeping me in her thoughts.
The rest of Thursday is like a blur. I remember doing a lot of music work and somehow wandering home, then keeping myself busy with the girls all afternoon. I couldn't bear to do most of the things I usually do. I couldn't bring myself to post on JM even. I couldn't be reminded of babies, pregnancy or losses. I couldn't think or focus on anything.
My husband tried to keep me distracted with a movie that evening but I didn't sleep very well that night. I wasn't really expecting to though. I tried to stay sane through Friday morning, taking the girls shopping as usual and negotiating my way through an unexpected charity gathering in the town where three shop assistants were peddling non-stop on exercise bikes, trying to keep a lightbulb glowing, and a large, booming gentleman belted out 'Bachelor Boy' while dressed in an unnecessary tuxedo. That was before we even got to the comedy town crier announcing the opening of a new shop, some twenty minutes away.
I felt like I was in the middle of a surreal dream as I got home, fed the girls and my husband, and started to get ready. I kept looking at the clock and thinking, "In an hour and a half, I'll know... In an hour and fifteen minutes, I'll know...."
I took a taxi to the hospital. The bus route is easier for getting home than getting there and I didn't want to risk being late and missing my appointment. There are two routes to hospital - the smooth route and the bumpy route, and guess which one the taxi driver favoured?
I spent the whole twenty-five minute journey trying not to throw up. I don't usually get travel sick but with my nerves and the constant supply of potholes beneath the wheels I was in risk of causing an environmental disaster over the back of the taxi. Finally the hospital gates loomed into view and the driver dropped me off.
I wandered into the hospital and couldn't chase out of my mind the bad events that had happened the last time I'd been there. I felt certain this trip would bring more bad news. I couldn't imagine how anything good could come from the day.
I tried to find the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) but somehow couldn't seem to navigate my way this time. In the end, I asked a kindly nurse and she showed me the way.
"The EPU is closed today," she said, "So they are doing the appointments here instead."
I peered at the area she'd led me to. Tucked away, totally out of view behind a large board, were three chairs and a hand written sign saying 'Early pregnancy Unit'.
"Oh..." I said in surprise. I felt like I should add something more coherent onto the end of that 'oh' but I couldn't really think of anything to say so I just said, 'Oh' again.
"You'll be called as soon as they're ready," the nurse smiled, and left.
Sitting in this makeshift alley/waiting room I was tucked completely out of view. I started to wonder if I was even in the right place. What if they forgot about me? What if they couldn't see I was there?! I sat forward in my chair and let my leg jut out as far as it would go in an attempt to help me be seen my passers-by.
A couple of women walked by outside having a conversation about using a sieve to drain some tomatoes, realising they didn't have a sieve and swearing profusely. I frowned. I couldn't imaging how not having a sieve could cause anyone such a trauma. I was focusing on the wrong things and I knew it.
Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, someone spotted me there and wandered away and back again several times before finally asking me when my appointment was. i told her, and the time had already come and gone, so she took me away for my scan right away and led me right into the room where I found out I had lost Daisy. My heart just sank. I didn't want to be back there again. Of all the rooms, it had to be that one.
I am very phobic of hospitals and doctors so I got very panicky and started asking a lot of dumb questions about whether I was supposed to take my boots off or not, whether I could get a picture and whether I could leave my belly button piercing in, even though I'd already taken it out.
I genuinely expected to see nothing as she placed the wand on my stomach. A picture appeared on the screen and I saw the shape of my womb and a sac, with something tiny inside it. I have seen a baby that tiny before, but never with a heartbeat.
She zoomed in on the tiny bean and I could see something flickering. My heart leaped into my mouth as I heard her say 'steady heartbeat'. I can't remember much of what I or she did or said after that, but I didn't really need to. My baby had a heartbeat - a HEARTBEAT!!!! I hadn't expected to see one for a second. Not for one moment had I let myself think about seeing a heartbeat.
I was shaking as she looked around to check everything else was OK, and then came the surprise as she said the corpus Lutem was on my right ovary - I conceived from my dodgy side! With my previous pregnancies my O pain had always been notably on my left-hand side so I knew that side was working well. On my last cycle, the pain was just all over (I was doubled up most of the day) and I had no idea where I Oed from. I've never had any tests done on my dodgy side to see if the cyst that grew around it and twisted it had left a blockage but I guess something at least got through! That was amazing to know!
I was still shaking and trying hard to fight happy tears as I saw the consultant. She booked me in for another scan in 2 weeks, on 7th May, to check how things are going. I am still terrified but the first hurdle has been cleared and I am walking on air every time I think about that little heartbeat.
I left the hospital floating on a cloud. After buying an inexplicably cold ham sandwich in the snack shop (I'd been brainwashed by the positive advertising about their cuisine after not having anything to eat from being too nervous) I started to head out of the hospital grounds to catch my bus home.
As I reached the gates, a car was just turning in.
The numberplate said; M7STY
I literally did a double take. It felt like my heart jumped. I couldn't believe it. I was totally dumbstruck. It seemed like the biggest omen anyone could see. I cursed myself for not having my camera with me and stared at the car as it drove out of view, around the back of the hospital.
Since Friday I've started to get back into the swing of things. I am still a little all over the place and I think I will be until I hit 12 weeks. But now I have seen a little heartbeat flickering, I know my baby is doing its best to stick and grow. May 7th is my next hurdle. Until then, all I can do is keep praying.
My worries came to a head on Thursday. I spent the morning wandering around like a lost little lamb at work. I couldn't settle anywhere. I ended up sitting in the chapel, by myself, for some time. I used to often spend a few moments gathering my thoughts in there but it's been a while. Several times I passed by the chaplains' office in the hope one of them might be in for me to talk to but the room was empty.
The school where I work is a very special place. I can't really describe it. All kinds of special moments seem to happen and every now and then it's as though the place works its magic and grants you something you've wished for. Which was why, as I sat in the geography office, I wasn't entirely surprised when the chaplain I really wanted to speak to poked her head around the door to see if I was OK. Sometimes in that place people just turn up where you really need them to be.
I asked her if I could talk to her and we walked down to the chapel together. I didn't even really know where to begin. I told her that I was just over six weeks pregnant and that my history of carrying pregnancy to term was poor. It was the first time I'd told someone at work how many miscarriages I've been through. I explained that I had a scan the next day and I was feeling absolutely terrified. I don't think she will ever realise how much she helped, just by listening and letting me talk. She assured me she would be praying for me and keeping me in her thoughts.
The rest of Thursday is like a blur. I remember doing a lot of music work and somehow wandering home, then keeping myself busy with the girls all afternoon. I couldn't bear to do most of the things I usually do. I couldn't bring myself to post on JM even. I couldn't be reminded of babies, pregnancy or losses. I couldn't think or focus on anything.
My husband tried to keep me distracted with a movie that evening but I didn't sleep very well that night. I wasn't really expecting to though. I tried to stay sane through Friday morning, taking the girls shopping as usual and negotiating my way through an unexpected charity gathering in the town where three shop assistants were peddling non-stop on exercise bikes, trying to keep a lightbulb glowing, and a large, booming gentleman belted out 'Bachelor Boy' while dressed in an unnecessary tuxedo. That was before we even got to the comedy town crier announcing the opening of a new shop, some twenty minutes away.
I felt like I was in the middle of a surreal dream as I got home, fed the girls and my husband, and started to get ready. I kept looking at the clock and thinking, "In an hour and a half, I'll know... In an hour and fifteen minutes, I'll know...."
I took a taxi to the hospital. The bus route is easier for getting home than getting there and I didn't want to risk being late and missing my appointment. There are two routes to hospital - the smooth route and the bumpy route, and guess which one the taxi driver favoured?
I spent the whole twenty-five minute journey trying not to throw up. I don't usually get travel sick but with my nerves and the constant supply of potholes beneath the wheels I was in risk of causing an environmental disaster over the back of the taxi. Finally the hospital gates loomed into view and the driver dropped me off.
I wandered into the hospital and couldn't chase out of my mind the bad events that had happened the last time I'd been there. I felt certain this trip would bring more bad news. I couldn't imagine how anything good could come from the day.
I tried to find the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) but somehow couldn't seem to navigate my way this time. In the end, I asked a kindly nurse and she showed me the way.
"The EPU is closed today," she said, "So they are doing the appointments here instead."
I peered at the area she'd led me to. Tucked away, totally out of view behind a large board, were three chairs and a hand written sign saying 'Early pregnancy Unit'.
"Oh..." I said in surprise. I felt like I should add something more coherent onto the end of that 'oh' but I couldn't really think of anything to say so I just said, 'Oh' again.
"You'll be called as soon as they're ready," the nurse smiled, and left.
Sitting in this makeshift alley/waiting room I was tucked completely out of view. I started to wonder if I was even in the right place. What if they forgot about me? What if they couldn't see I was there?! I sat forward in my chair and let my leg jut out as far as it would go in an attempt to help me be seen my passers-by.
A couple of women walked by outside having a conversation about using a sieve to drain some tomatoes, realising they didn't have a sieve and swearing profusely. I frowned. I couldn't imaging how not having a sieve could cause anyone such a trauma. I was focusing on the wrong things and I knew it.
Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, someone spotted me there and wandered away and back again several times before finally asking me when my appointment was. i told her, and the time had already come and gone, so she took me away for my scan right away and led me right into the room where I found out I had lost Daisy. My heart just sank. I didn't want to be back there again. Of all the rooms, it had to be that one.
I am very phobic of hospitals and doctors so I got very panicky and started asking a lot of dumb questions about whether I was supposed to take my boots off or not, whether I could get a picture and whether I could leave my belly button piercing in, even though I'd already taken it out.
I genuinely expected to see nothing as she placed the wand on my stomach. A picture appeared on the screen and I saw the shape of my womb and a sac, with something tiny inside it. I have seen a baby that tiny before, but never with a heartbeat.
She zoomed in on the tiny bean and I could see something flickering. My heart leaped into my mouth as I heard her say 'steady heartbeat'. I can't remember much of what I or she did or said after that, but I didn't really need to. My baby had a heartbeat - a HEARTBEAT!!!! I hadn't expected to see one for a second. Not for one moment had I let myself think about seeing a heartbeat.
I was shaking as she looked around to check everything else was OK, and then came the surprise as she said the corpus Lutem was on my right ovary - I conceived from my dodgy side! With my previous pregnancies my O pain had always been notably on my left-hand side so I knew that side was working well. On my last cycle, the pain was just all over (I was doubled up most of the day) and I had no idea where I Oed from. I've never had any tests done on my dodgy side to see if the cyst that grew around it and twisted it had left a blockage but I guess something at least got through! That was amazing to know!
I was still shaking and trying hard to fight happy tears as I saw the consultant. She booked me in for another scan in 2 weeks, on 7th May, to check how things are going. I am still terrified but the first hurdle has been cleared and I am walking on air every time I think about that little heartbeat.
I left the hospital floating on a cloud. After buying an inexplicably cold ham sandwich in the snack shop (I'd been brainwashed by the positive advertising about their cuisine after not having anything to eat from being too nervous) I started to head out of the hospital grounds to catch my bus home.
As I reached the gates, a car was just turning in.
The numberplate said; M7STY
I literally did a double take. It felt like my heart jumped. I couldn't believe it. I was totally dumbstruck. It seemed like the biggest omen anyone could see. I cursed myself for not having my camera with me and stared at the car as it drove out of view, around the back of the hospital.
Since Friday I've started to get back into the swing of things. I am still a little all over the place and I think I will be until I hit 12 weeks. But now I have seen a little heartbeat flickering, I know my baby is doing its best to stick and grow. May 7th is my next hurdle. Until then, all I can do is keep praying.
Friday, 23 April 2010
Breathtaking
After the longest 2 weeks of my life, a lot of worry, stress and paranoia, many tears and living in a bubble, just trying to get to today -
The most beautiful, tiny, flickering heartbeat I have ever seen in my life.
I have never, ever felt so thankful before x
The most beautiful, tiny, flickering heartbeat I have ever seen in my life.
I have never, ever felt so thankful before x
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
My Confession
Although I have been struggling to keep positive this week I did have one moment of weakness a few days ago.
Shhh, I won't tell if you won't.
Shhh, I won't tell if you won't.
Monday, 19 April 2010
Nuzzle & Scratch
TV has its place in our household. It's never used as a childminder and we never put it on to sit the girls in front of it and keep them quiet, but we will keep it on in the background for them to watch when they need a break from wrestling on the couch or singing to the guinea pigs (or whatever game they've invented on any given day). We stick to one channel and one channel only. For one thing, I can't be doing with adverts, so we watch Cbeebies, an advertless channel run by the BBC for preschoolers. For another, I cannot keep up with the scheduling of different channels and trying to remember all the best shows on each. Lastly, I just really like the shows. they are fun, innocent and sometimes pretty funny too.
One such example is Nuzzle and Scratch. The characters in question are puppet alpacas who work for the 2 By 2 Any Animal Agency and do badly at any work assignment they are given. However, they always turn things around and come out the heroes at the end. The characters are likable, the stories very funny and the show generally good entertainment. In fact, I started watching it before Angelica and Natasha caught on to it.
However, as Nuzzle and Scratch increased in popularity they were given a spin-off series teaching safety to small children, called Hoof and Safety. We were all looking forward to the series and I for one was disappointed to find it a kind of dull substitute for the original show. The girls, on the other hand, were much more in favour of the spin off and became instant fans.
Now, I am pretty easy to scare and freak out about a lot of things. My DH has banned me from watching anything on TV about what's really in food or dangerous items in the home. I think Hoof and safety fits into this category personally because I was pretty upset to see the balloon animal poke itself in the eye after running with pens and the cartoon alpaca getting frazzled when it tried to switch on the light switch with wet hooves.
However, the programme seems to have had the opposite effect on the girls. We had done a pretty good job of teaching them about safety around the home. Angelica always understood things that were hot and not to be touched. But after watching the episode about hot things hurting she has become obsessed with mugs of tea, hair straighteners and saucepans.
Every time she sees us with a steaming mug of hot drink she will recite the first line of the 'hot drinks hurt' rhyme from the show and attempt to confiscate them from us. She seeks out my hair straighteners (which thankfully I never use) to demonstrate what not to do with them and she constantly fills things with water so she can knock them over and cry "Poor alpaca! Poor alpaca!" Plus, she drives me mad every time I go in the kitchen with her stern warnings about saucepans.
Great. So now I have to undo all the 'safety advice' that Nuzzle and Scratch have passed on to my girls. Thanks a lot, guys! Stick to your day job!
One such example is Nuzzle and Scratch. The characters in question are puppet alpacas who work for the 2 By 2 Any Animal Agency and do badly at any work assignment they are given. However, they always turn things around and come out the heroes at the end. The characters are likable, the stories very funny and the show generally good entertainment. In fact, I started watching it before Angelica and Natasha caught on to it.
However, as Nuzzle and Scratch increased in popularity they were given a spin-off series teaching safety to small children, called Hoof and Safety. We were all looking forward to the series and I for one was disappointed to find it a kind of dull substitute for the original show. The girls, on the other hand, were much more in favour of the spin off and became instant fans.
Now, I am pretty easy to scare and freak out about a lot of things. My DH has banned me from watching anything on TV about what's really in food or dangerous items in the home. I think Hoof and safety fits into this category personally because I was pretty upset to see the balloon animal poke itself in the eye after running with pens and the cartoon alpaca getting frazzled when it tried to switch on the light switch with wet hooves.
However, the programme seems to have had the opposite effect on the girls. We had done a pretty good job of teaching them about safety around the home. Angelica always understood things that were hot and not to be touched. But after watching the episode about hot things hurting she has become obsessed with mugs of tea, hair straighteners and saucepans.
Every time she sees us with a steaming mug of hot drink she will recite the first line of the 'hot drinks hurt' rhyme from the show and attempt to confiscate them from us. She seeks out my hair straighteners (which thankfully I never use) to demonstrate what not to do with them and she constantly fills things with water so she can knock them over and cry "Poor alpaca! Poor alpaca!" Plus, she drives me mad every time I go in the kitchen with her stern warnings about saucepans.
Great. So now I have to undo all the 'safety advice' that Nuzzle and Scratch have passed on to my girls. Thanks a lot, guys! Stick to your day job!
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